


as deep as the ocean

by whoam___i



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Light Angst, M/M, Mentions of self-harm, mentions of Junhoe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2020-04-24 01:31:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19163062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whoam___i/pseuds/whoam___i
Summary: Their relationship was unstable from the beginning, like the ocean with its tides.





	as deep as the ocean

**Author's Note:**

> hey there! i have to talk about few things:  
> -i put this rating because of mentions of self-harm;   
> -english is not my first language, so if you see any mistakes,please,tell me!  
> -i miss yunbin, that’s it
> 
> thank you for your reading!
> 
> !!! and remember: self-harm is a bad thing to do

Their relationship was unstable from the beginning, like the ocean with its tides. Yunhyeong has never complained about it just because he simply isn’t that type of a person. He’s ready to give and he never asks something in return, anyway Hanbin gives him a lot too. Hanbin is just moody, 𝒽𝑒 is the ocean. He can be so soft and gentle and caring and so much more. And he can be cold and removed and cruel. But Yunhyeong is ready to take it all because he loves him, even if he knows that it isn’t the smartest thing to do. Well, feelings are feelings, and Yunhyeong is drowning in them as deep as he wishes Hanbin won’t notice it.

 

♡

 

There isn’t any problem, really, he is 𝒻𝒾𝓃𝑒, maybe it is all about the concert. He was just feeling so happy, so joyful, so it made him almost fragile, vulnerable to every word, touch, gesture. He always feels everything a little too strong. The need to give has always been the strongest at the concerts. Yunhyeong tried to be the best version of himself all the time, running himself ragged, dripping with his emotions and feelings, allowing them to lead him. There’s nothing unusual or new in Hanbin’s words and expressions but somehow it hits Yunhyeong harder than ever. He feels the floor spinning and now his head is a mess, he almost loses himself but he’s used to hide every feeling and thought. He just starts to understand how much he has fucked up. He feels Junhoe standing near him, gently squeezing his shoulder as if he is telling him “It`s okay”. Junhoe used to act like some senseless brat when they were trainees but Yunhyeong knows the real person behind the mask, knows how much he has changed. After everything they have been through he realizes that Junhoe is not a child anymore, not a teenager that used to be so loud, rebellious and stubborn. He is a man now, and from time to time Yunhyeong feels that he wouldn’t make it without him. Junhoe became his wall, his support when Yunhyeong was feeling like he was drowning. Junhoe knows a lot, maybe a little more than he actually should, and he knows how Yunhyeong feels without any words.  
But there are some things, desires, feelings and, better to say, 𝓃𝑒𝑒𝒹𝓈 that neither Junhoe nor Yunhyeong himself can control. Yunhyeong knows how terribly wrong it is, what he needs to do, but this part of him, delicate, frail and tender, cannot be gone. 

 

♡

 

He stays in his hotel room when everyone goes out to find a place to eat. Junhoe gives him this weird, suspicious look. It’s almost regretful but Yunhyeong pulls him closer to Donghyuk and Jiwon and tells them to leave. He feels unexpectedly calm and that’s good because doing something like what he plans to do recklessly and impulsively, being full of sorrow and pain, can be a disaster. He looks at himself in the mirror, the frustration grows inside him. The razor blade is pressed against his thin wrists. It goes in his skin that stretches and tenses under the touch, he feels his senses sharpen and his body toughen, adrenaline rushes in his veins and blood pumps in the temples, and suddenly, through tough heat haze of pain and contentment, he hears a sharp cold voice.

 

-What the hell are you doing?

 

Hanbin stands there with unreadable look but he seems to be furious and a little dumbfounded. Yunhyeong cannot really understand anything now. He is confused and ashamed, but not because Hanbin found out but because he’d broken his promise. Hanbin knows. Knows everything: every part of him, every secret, every scar, every inch of his body and mind. He’s an open book only for Hanbin. He is Hanbin’s. Yunhyeong claims that it is wrong, unhealthy, 𝒾𝓃𝓈𝒶𝓃𝑒, but what can he do. He needs to be needed, to be loved and adored, and he needs to admire someone too. But the thing is, he worships Hanbin, not just adores - this word is not enough to describe what he feels. And it’s weakness and strength because he feels so dependent but in the end there’s nothing stronger than pure love.

 

And now, when Hanbin looks at him like that, he feels so small, like a child: a little weak and capricious. He just wants Hanbin to stop looking at him like that. He wants to cry. He wants Hanbin to hug him. He wants Hanbin to love him. He wants Hanbin to calm him down. He wants Hanbin to fuck him. These feelings cover him like waves, and it’s hard to focus on anything now and answer properly.

 

-I -

 

Hanbin comes to him quickly and takes his hands with his own. He doesn’t look angry now but wounded. And someways this makes him look dangerous; Hanbin never looks fragile or ruined, he’s like a wild animal, full of pride and power, a king that never gives up or admits failure. Hanbin is in pain, he doesn’t even hide it, but there’s nothing weak in the way he looks.   
Yunhyeong wants to disappear. He didn’t mean to cause Hanbin’s pain. But he doesn’t want Hanbin to scold him now, and he knows that Hanbin will. Hanbin hurt him tonight too. Yunhyeong doesn’t want more.  
But Hanbin doesn’t say anything, without a word he takes a bandage and irrigates the cut even if it’s not that deep.   
Yunhyeong is silent too, a suffocating wave of shame prevents him from saying something fatally stupid. He is avoiding Hanbin’s eyes and isn’t looking at his moving hands, when he feels that he’s being embraced: Hanbin holds him tight, not hard enough to bring pain but enough to make Yunhyeong feel safe. And needed. There’s something desperate in this embrace like Hanbin is afraid of losing him. Is he? Yunhyeong would give his life to know the answer.  
But now, at this moment, he doesn’t want to think about Hanbin’s feelings for him because Hanbin takes him to the room, holding gently like Yunhyeong is the most precious thing in his life. He puts him on the bed, and Hanbin doesn’t have to tell anything, he just has to softly put a hand on Yunhyeong’s cheek and the latter will tell him everything. Yunhyeong tells him about pain, about despair, about sadness, about everything he keeps deep inside his heart. He feels so opened, almost naked. And he feels so free; it’s always like this with Hanbin. He gives the best and the worst parts of him to Hanbin, he divides his sorrows and Hanbin takes one part.

 

♡

 

And then Hanbin kisses him, touches him, sets him on fire, makes him feel like no other person can, blesses and curses him, makes him fall in love even deeper, hides his face in his collarbones and

 

𝓅𝓁𝑒𝒶𝓈𝑒 𝒹𝑜𝓃’𝓉 𝒹𝑜 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓈 𝒶𝑔𝒶𝒾𝓃 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓅𝓇𝑜𝓂𝒾𝓈𝑒𝒹 𝒽𝑜𝓌 𝒸𝒶𝓃’𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓊𝓃𝒹𝑒𝓇𝓈𝓉𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝒹𝑜𝓃’𝓉 𝒽𝓊𝓇𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇𝓈𝑒𝓁𝒻 𝓅𝓁𝑒𝒶𝓈𝑒 𝒾 𝓌𝒾𝓁𝓁 𝒹𝒾𝑒 𝒾𝒻 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒹𝑜 𝓈𝑜𝓂𝑒𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓉𝑜 𝓎𝑜𝓊𝓇𝓈𝑒𝓁𝒻 𝓈𝒽𝒾𝓉 𝒾 𝒽𝒶𝓉𝑒 𝓂𝓎𝓈𝑒𝓁𝒻 𝓈𝑜 𝓂𝓊𝒸𝒽 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝒽𝓊𝓇𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓅𝓁𝑒𝒶𝓈𝑒 𝓅𝓁𝑒𝒶𝓈𝑒 𝒾’𝓂 𝓈𝑜 𝓈𝒸𝒶𝓇𝑒𝒹 𝑜𝒻 𝓁𝑜𝑜𝓈𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒾 𝓌𝒶𝓃𝓉 𝓉𝑜 𝓉𝒶𝓀𝑒 𝒸𝒶𝓇𝑒 𝑜𝒻 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓅𝓇𝑜𝓉𝑒𝒸𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝓎𝑜𝓊’𝓇𝑒 𝓂𝓎 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝑜𝓃𝓁𝓎 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝒹𝑜 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒-

 

Yunhyeong feels so stupid. How is it possible? He has never told Hanbin about his feelings, right, and he was trying to hide them but he knows that his heart is so obviously loud, beating there inside his chest, it reveals everything. He was so obvious. How didn’t Hanbin notice his love? It’s just an assumption but maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t know Hanbin that well, maybe Yunhyeong didn’t notice this vulnerable, diffident part of him that was hidden under the layer of confidence and fake indifference.  
This hits so hard. Hanbin is really the ocean, and Yunhyeong is drowning now. He is fascinated by the storm Hanbin is. Yunhyeong stretches his arms and Hanbin falls in them, making their bodies a whole. 

 

-Promise me you -

 

-I won’t, I promise. I just need some time.

 

Hanbin’s lips softly touch his temple, and Yunhyeong knows that now it’s time

 

𝒾 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝓎𝑜𝓊

 

He finally gives Hanbin the last piece of his soul. 

 

Perhaps now 𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓎 are the ocean.


End file.
